I'm so glad the week is almost over. It's been incredibly busy. While I predict next week will be the same, I need a little bit of a break. I feel better now that I've gotten some rest, and I am not exhausted. I also am excited to have my wings from last night. The server messed up my order and gave me too many, so now I had extra I can have as lunch/dinner tonight. I'm very thrilled to get home and have them.
8:04 - 8:06 PMJust got back from my club meeting. It was fun. I walked my friend to her car, since she was scared. I shaved my legs as well. It's stupid, but I get very self consious about my leg. I have a big scar that wraps around my leg, and I can't grow hair there. I got it when I was a very little baby. My leg hair is usually very long, and it becomes very obvious that theres a ring. Sometimes I get weird about it and so i shaved.
Skipped my first class today, as it's too damn cold out. I'm sure he'd understand. (My teacher). I will be going to my law class though, as that teacher actually really cares about attendance. I went up and got my laundry to do, as I have a lot of it. Today I'm seeing my boyfriend. Knowing him, he will probably insist that we go get food. Which isn't a bad thing, I just feel a bit sily sometimes about the ordeal. I think before class, I'm going to finish my laundry and then draw some.
12:31 - 12:33 PMMy roommate skipped class today, so I'm paying attention for the both of us. Lunch was a bag of chips and energy drink. I'm pretty okay with that, even if I'm a little hungry. I got my best pants and tie out today, but I still had to wear two coats. It's too cold out, and I want to go lay back in bed in my apartment where it is warm. Tomorrow I have my club meeting, which will be fun. I enjoy my campus club, partially because I'm an officer. I'm sitting in my law class as I type this.
11:05 - 11:06 PMTook the boyfriend home. I feel awful. I thought he was upset at me, but really he was worried about me. I want to cry. In my head the idea that if i was gone, his life would be easier, is stuck. I know it's not true. But it still hurts to think about that it might be.
It is disgustingly cold today. I can barely feel my fingers, and I'm hiding inside the building for my next class. I'm considering not going to my table top club tonight, it's barely in the double digits today. The college next to mine, ten minutes up the road, cancelled. My college did not, despite ice on the roads. I find it insane that none of my classes cancelled, but what do I know. My stomach hurts because I'm hungry but truthfully I'm way too scared to try and venture for food.
10:04 - 10:13 PMIt's been a bad night. I've realized it would make the lives of several people in my life way easier if I killed myself, and that sucks. I don't think I can be swayed from this fact, but it sort of sucks to think about. Dinner tonight is a peach cup and maybe some spoonfuls of ranch, which also sucks. I thought about how it'd probably contribute to lowering my weight a little, which I don't find that bad actually. My boyfriend would be so upset to know this, but he doesn't know this page exists.
He offered to let me come over this weekend and have food at his house, but 1) i'd feel awful mooching off of him 2) my problems should not become his problems 3) his parents are too nice to me, and it makes me so upset. I wish I could give back to them in the ways they do for me, but I can't. I can never make up for it, and it makes me so sad. I'm crying as I type this, actually. I worry if my boyfriend ever found out this website exists, he'd break up with me. I don't think he actually would but it's a concern.
Regardless. I can't stop staring at the sewing scissors in my drawer and thinking about it. I won't do anything (I don't think), but I keep staring at them. I wish I wasn't, but it sucks. i don't want my boyfriend to realize how actually sick i am and leave me for someone much better, and someone who doesn't have consistent breakdowns like i do. I don't think that will happen, but i worry.
I have been dizzyingly busy today. I had my writing and japanese classes today, and law. I felt so bad in my Japanese class because I could barely remember the hiragana, I could barely look the guy next to me in the eyes. He's so smart, it makes me jealous. in my creative writing class, one of my classmates gave a presentation about power rangers. it was incredibly boring, but he was enthusiastic and had audience participation so i can't complain, he made it engaging. i also tried to get through more of the homestuck epilogues.
I find them pretty boring, and i'm not eveen half way through. i want to at leeast say i got it done though. later tonight i plan to VCwith some of my friends. i like my friends in the hospital server a lot. they mean a lot to me. i also went and messaged someone i haven't talked to a little over 2 years. kinda weird to think about. he blocked my ex a while back for justifiable reasons, but i personally have no bad blood with him.
also, i ran into the man again who asked me for 55 cents. i gave him 60. it was cold out, i had to drive to the gas station instead of my usual walk.
I'm waiting outside of my class right now. Now that I've showered, and my hair is soft, I'vee determined the bangs don't actually look bad. They're pretty cute. My friends seem to like them, so I can't complain too much. My Japanese class might get cancelled on Wednesday, so I'm going to pray that it actually does. I think the bangs are a little uneven, but I'm not too worried about that. I also speed-wrote a short essay for my German class so I'm pretty glad I got that done. We had no word limit so mine is pretty short.
My friend James is pretty funny and lying on the phone right now to his doctor. He's a very nice guy, and I enjoy his company. Same with Mako, who is also in my German class. I really hate Harris who sits in front of us. I'm still going back and forth on if I want to pay the money for the domain 'attack secretary'. I think it'd be pretty cool to have my own website, but I don't know if I want to dish out 10 dollars a company that I don't know the ins and outs of. I have my Astronomy lab today but I might cancel.
1:34 - 1:41 PMClass was fine. I gave my presentation about Palais Schamburg and it went fine. Apparently another girl in the class did her presentation over the same band, so I took both of our papers up and presented. It was pretty alright. Harris tried to talk to me about Elon Musk, but I didn't want to so I ignored him. He is an insanely annoying person in ways I cannot begin to explain here. Truly a marvel. I'm seeing the boyfriend later, so I might have more to write about once he goes home. I shifted my lab class to a later date. Because I like him.
10:49 - 10:50 PMI just got my boyfriend home. We went to the record store, and then got food, and after that we went and got some things like papertowels and whatnots because I ran out of everything literally at the same time. Super annoying. and then we took a nap together which was pretty cool. I made a new oc, and I find her very cute. a little upset about my bangs though because i looked in the mirror and realized i cut them exactly like my abusive ex. i loook like him now, and it's wigging me out. i'm avoiding looking at myself in the mirror now.
Woke up with the phrase 'larval reprance' stuck in my head. I know reprance isn't an actual word, but that's what I know was in my head. I have to go to a party today. Truthfully I was really avoiding it, because I don't like the people there. They all annoy me and make me uncomfortable. But it's because i didn't come to the party last week because I wasn't feeling okay. I had to go on a long trip and subsequently was exhausted by the time it rolled around. So now I have to go to today. I'll probably stay only two hours or something and then leave.
It's kind of shitty, but it's what i'll do. I have a lot of stuff (homeworkthings) going on which call to my attention more urgently anyways. I'mListening to Palais Schamburg's self titled album for class. I have mixed feelings on it. Some of it is pretty good, some of it is pretty nonsense.
11:39 - 11:48 PMWhew. A lot happened. I went to the gas station before the party and a guy asked me for 50 cents. I felt pretty bad, because I think he was crying. Right after he left, I found 50 cents in my car. I've been thinking about it all day. I got a card game as well right before I showed up at the party, but my friend got the time wrong so I had to sit in the cold for about twenty minutes. But the party was fine, if pretty unnotable. We watched a movie together, and it was alright. I'm not huge on movies.
That's sort of when I walked home, and talked to my boyfriend more. I couldn't find dinner, so I'm pretty hungry. I had some snacks though. And then I laid in bed for a bit, and called some of my friends. And I also cut my bangs about half an hour ago. I think they look pretty good, they're relatively even, and rest just above my eyebrows. I've been told it's hard to read my emotions, because my eyebrows tend to get covered by my glasses. So now I'm covering them with my bangs too, once they grow out.
The last time I had bangs, I was very little. It's weird to think it was that long ago but it really really has been. I think they look good. I took a shower and now they fluff nicely. My hair was kind of greasy, because i was sweating a lot even though I took a shower right before the party. cutting my hair made me pretty nervous once I got it to about nose length. And I think my boyfriend is worried about me, but he doesn't have to be.
I've made my websitething... i'd been thinking about making a more bloglike website for a while, and i'm debating getting myself a custom domain-- so stay tuned. i keep laughing over the websitething name i've chosen. it comes from a mug my boyfriend has given me a while back---. he makes me very happy, and him and my mother and i had lunch together. it was pretty nerve wracking, as i do not like my mother much. i enjoyed eating food i wasnt paying for, though, so i'm not going to complain about that.
i will try and make a habit of updating daily, if i don't you can beat me. ive been watching videothings about creepy internet stuff. i like those kinds of things because i think the internet is so big that i want to see more of it. im not a very smart person, so i dont find cool things on my own. i think thats my biggest flawthing, is that its hard for me to find things out out on my own. people tell me i'm smart, but i don't think i actually am. i actually think i might have accidentally convinced everyone around me of something that just isn't true.
i want to put up more pictures of jfk. he's sort of the second love of my life. my first love of my life is my boyfriend. he is my everything. my second love of my life is jfk. i dont know why my images of him make me so happy, but i have a collection of images of jfk. i fear sometimes that my boyfriend love of my lifee thinks i love jfk more than him. this isn't true. he will always come first, and jfk comes second. although im not sure id be able to let go of jfk if my boyfriend asked. haha.
8:30 - 8:58 PMlaid in bed for a bit. my skin kind of feels like its buzzing. texted my boyfriend but i think he might be a sleep or busy. i sometimes worry that i'm too sick. that he'll realize i'm really really sick and that he can't do anything to help me. i feel bad every time i break down crying in his arms, because he's holding me and reminding me he loves me. and when he tells me he loves me i cry. i believe him, but it hurts that i believe him. i dont know why, because he's the best thing thats ever happend to me. weird.