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June, 2025 (Soon!)Nothing happening today. I might not go to my club, my stomach has been killing me from anxiety. my back keeps making weird noises.
Sorry i've been dreadfully depressed. it's hard to write when nothings going on. we determined a set time for our new table top sessions, as summer is coming up. i've been writing a lot of horror. it makes me feel nice to write a lot of horror. i've become friends with one of my favorite horror artists, and i've been having fun with that. i like writing thigns that are scary because i understand it very well. i'm still a bit insecure about it though. i might post it here at some point.
Good christmas. Sorry I've been slacking on updates. It's been 50% busy, 50% there just isn't much to write about. Most of my days are pretty boring, or filled with schoolwork. I applied for a paid internship at a museum, and I hope they hire me there. I think I would work well there as I love library work. Yay. Boyfriend also got me a new sticker for my car. I'm quite pleased. I also submitted a creative writing assignment I'm quite pleased with. That's about all that my life has been right now. maybe i update best under stress?
Good christ. It's april already? Not much has been happening, I guess. I'm currently in my Law class while I'm writing this. I skipped my Japanese class, because I'll end with a 78. I can handle that. I have a 9-11 PM lab tonight, which I am not so thrilled for. I solved the major problem hanging over me, I'm not quite out of the weeds yet though. I just need to make sure it goes through and it should be a-okay. My mom wasn't even mad at me. I just sort of stress out about all of her reactions to everything.
I think for dinner I'll run by canes or get some soup. I don't quite know yet.
I haven't had much to write lately. I've actually find it quite hard to put any sorts of words to any page. I have to call my mom. I don't want to. I'm sitting in class. There hasn't been much of anything going on.
I don't really care to detail the past two days. Things have happened.
I have an incredibly busy day today and I'm pretty content with that. I have a comic due on the 28th, so I'm trying to rush to get that done by the deadline even though my teacher specified that it's more of a soft deadline and suggestion. I really want to get it in so I'm not going to complain about it. Worst that happens is I submit it a little late, and that's alright with me. I'm going to my club today but I'm not even sure I'll have time to pick up BF before I have to go. He wanted to come I think.
Got my comic critiqued this morning. It went well! My classmates really liked it. I thought it was funny that my teacher liked the 'gritty text' so much... it's just my normal handwriting, but I'm glad he found it matching the style! I think I'm going to continue the comic for my second submission. I'm pretty happy with it. I got some sushi for lunch that I'm eating as I type this.
I finished Saint Sebastian's Abyss and it kept me up all night. I think I must've sent a thousand messages about it to my friends on discord last night. I've found a new obsession, I guess. It resonated a lot with me, and I see a lot of myself and my friends in it. I have fond memories of staying after school in the four person linguistics club arguing for hours about architecture and what makes art 'art' and those kinds of things. The kinds of conversations my freinds and I still have. It really touched a sore spot.
I also see a lot of myself in both Schmidt and the main character in many ways. I also see a lot of my best friends who also do art in both of them. Some of my best memories are like what I mentioned before. It reminds me of my art class I took last semester and had to feverishly defend modern art and the art I don't like just because I can't stand the idea of people outside of the 'art world' considering things like installations and 'modern' art to not be 'of value'. I forgot I actually do love art. I forget this often.
I think no longer having the time or film to be able to take photos has worn on me and it's showing through with how I treat my writing and painting.
My critique was not today as assumed, and I had all that stomach pain for nothing. I've picked up the book Saint Sebastian's Abyss (for real this time). I like it quite a lot, and I see a lot of myself in Schmidt which is personal cause for concern. I asked around the book store next to my apartment last night and the lady at the desk got so mad at me that she kept cutting me off. I guess it really isn't in stock. But it's okay, a friend sent me a PDF so I can happily get a read of it.
I'm waiting outside my law class. My stomach still kind of hurts but it always sort of hurts so I'm not surprised. i really do think it's the anxiety. I had a long conversation last night with my boyfriend about something I did that upset him and i fear he hates me. I know he doesn't (probably), but I always fear someone hates me when they bring up one indiscression I've done. I want to try and see him today, once I'm done with all my work. I love him a lot, although that's probably pretty obvious by even a cursory glance at my blog.
I didn't remember to write yesterday until 12 AM. Thankfully nothing of interest happened. I just went back up to my apartment. This morning I got an email back from Lisa confirming my suspicions about my scholarship. I no longer have to do an essay. Yay for me! I think today I'm going to try and read more of Catcher in the Rye, I've just been so busy with other things. However, I am feeling way more refreshed. I needed the week break from school. I even got my Japanese homework done for the first time in a little bit.
12:05 - 12:06 PMAs suspected basically nothing of note has happened. I talked with my friends which was nice, and I might see if the BF is free later. That just depends. I was able to finish the one page of my comic I left, I submitted it at the wrong size but at this point I just don't care and I'm glad it's over with. I'm going to get lunch after class since I've been slacking on getting food. I am feeling much better today, and I'm glad I set that early alarm. I think waking up too late in the morning was really not helping my emotional problems, haha.
ALmost got an exact hour there! Oh well. I got most of my scholarship stuff done today, it was pretty easy. Admittedly I think the website is messed up, but I don't think it matters much. I'm eating lunch, and later today I'm taking my boyfriend back to his place to help him drop off his stuff in exchange for watching more Steven Universe with our friend Hal and us. I'm also finally getting that stupid student loan shit finished. I'm pretty relieved. I'm eating my mom's left overs for lunch and it kinda hurts my stomach.
I think my boyfriend forgot we were hanging out together today. It's okay though. I got my period and last time I did I was vomiting so bad there was blood, so I can't quite say I'm enthusiastic. Not that I ever am. Very sweaty and I always feel like I'm coming down with a bad fever.
Got pretty drunk last night. It was fun. The mall went well, and we all went back to my boyfriend's house and watched Steven Universe together. I spent the night at BF's house and got home about two hours ago. I finally got an ICP shirt. I've been wanting one for a while, but hadn't been able to get my hands on one until now. Yay! Had a brief conversation with my mom today. I don't like being around her.
Going to the optomitrist in about an hour. I'm probably going to go early, as I have nothing to do around the house and I'm not very hungry. I had an odd dream about a condition called 'single star system'. It was pretty bizarre, but I could use it for something (maybe). I also had a dream about Pink Floyd and The Beach Boys. I don't even like Pink Floyd, I just have a close friend who is a big fan. It was kind of funny, it was mostly about my boyfriend's father and I arguing about 'Californian Psych Rock'.
After this, I'm going to go hang out with my friends most likely. I want to watch more Steven Universe with them, as we've been having a fun time doing that. Had to call my dad for my eye insurance, which always makes me nervous. It went okay though, and he was busy so I didn't have to talk long. I won't speak more on him.
Haven't done much today either. Drawing a little bit. My mom is coming back at 5 PM (ish). I'm quite scared. I don't like being around her, and she frightens me.
I'm sorry for no longer writing on here, or at least sort of slacking. I'm on my spring break which has made me start slacking. I also have been barely fronting, and whoever else has been up here has not had the desire to write here (or just doesn't know it exists). Nothing much has been happening. I've been house sitting for my mom, and I went and got ramen with my boyfriend. I hung out with my friend Hal as well, and I'm quite exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open on the drive home.
I'm now sitting in bed eating some pizza and watching minecraft videos.
Once again sitting outside my German class. My plan for today is to go to German, possibly go to the comic club until 4 PM, go back to my apartment and pick up my boyfriend, and then head to the linguistics club. I'll also have my things packed to go to my my mom's house. I will also go ahead and get groceries so I can make dinner for him, and then probably actually go and watch Severance as we had originally planned and subsequently didn't do. I'm still confused as to why we're meeting, as it's the day before spring break.
I am truthfully not excited to go home. My mom isn't there, but the house still makes me nervous.
I gave my presentation to a completely dead audience. It was pretty awkward, and I'm a little sad about that but it's okay. My comics I'm into aren't for everyone. I don't have much to say this morning.
Once again sitting outside of my German class writing one of these. It seems to be one of the few times during the day I have a gap to be able to write. I'm not complaining about that though, I'm alright with this. Anyways, I'm working on my homework since I didn't finish it last night. I should've, but I frankly just didn't want to. I have to leave class 15 mins early to be able to run across campus to a lab that I have to be at. I misjudged the time it would take me to get there, and I feel like a bit of an idiot. It's okay though, my teacher understood and I sent her an email.
After all this, I have table top. I'm in for quite the busy day today. My jaw has stopped locking up which is good. It only locks up when I get incredibly stressed, and I have been lately due to numerous things. It's sore now, but I'll live. I just have to take it a bit easier than I have been. On Friday I have to drive down to my mom's house and I'm taking care of the cats. I don't mind doing that. I'm going to bring my boyfriend with me and I want to cook for him, and we can watch Severance together. I'm quite excited.
12:26 - 12:27 PMMy table top DM cancelled our meeting. I'll still go to hang out with my friends, however this means I get to work on my Japanese homework early. yay
I don't think anything interesting has happened today. We critiqued two of my classmates' works today in class, and I'm quite nervous for when we get to mine. I don't believe myself to be a bad writer but instead a very self consious one, and I get very nervous about other peoples' opinions of my work. I've had sort of a sick feeling all day in my stomach and it so it's sort of hard to think creatively. I might ask my boyfriend if he's free later today to hang out.
I just got out of Japanese, and it went pretty well. I was working on a script with my classmate Sai. He's a pretty cool guy and I enjoy being around him, but I worry I sort of drag him down. I also am now off of the Xoloft my boyfriend gave me. I felt pretty much nothing, it was so odd. I sort of always feel nothing, but I don't know if that's how I'm supposed to react to anything. I used to get in fights with my mom about it, but she doesn't bring it up anymore since I've gotten better at faking my emotions.
Late tonight I'm supposed to meet up with my table top group to watch a movie I think. I'll work on my homework while we do that, and it will be fun. I like them a lot, even if I'm not sure if my table top group likes me. I still haven't responded to a text message from a group I left.
I've been up for a little bit, and now I'm sitting in bed doing some art. I have some commissions due, but I've been so busy I haven't been able to work on them. I've been sitting in bed drawing Pete from Eltingville. He makes me laugh, and does actually remind me a lot of me when I was younger. My friends and I used to walk 3 miles across the woods and a highway to get to the closest comic book store. I have fond memories of this, but I wouldn't be able to do this anymore because of my leg.
Later today I think I'm going to go see my boyfriend, as I have to drive him back up to our college town.
8:29 - 8:32 PMWell... the acertop bluescreened for a second, which was really scary. I'm getting new glasses frames, because my current ones bother me. I also got two new (physical) books. I've never read Catcher In The Rye, and my friend has been telling me to. I also got a copy of Don Quixote. It's raining terribly here. My boyfriend gave me one of his 50mg pills of Xoloft. It made me feel weird, so I'm not sure if I want to do that again. Today has been eventful/
Oh wow. It's March already? That's so freakly to me, I can't conceptualize that. haha. I'm at my mom's. Last night I went to my boyfriend's house and he cooked a very nice meal (steak, rice, and a variety of grilled vegetables). We watched Severance together, and I fell asleep there. His cat kept waking me up, but there's worse things than a little kitty wanting cuddles. I'm now up in bed and watching youtube. I might go to the park later before going over to his house. I'm very content.
I apologizee for the lack of update yesterday. I was quite busy, and had no time. I think my computer is almost completely done for, and that upsets me greatly. I've had it since I was 15, so seeing it go is quite sad for me. I see it like a family member to me. I'm going to try and fix it via internal updates. Who knows. I'm going to have to go and see my mother this weekend. This is quite scary to me.
I feel like a massive tool because I oveersleept my alarmclock. I had a conveersation ysterday wth my boyfriend about sleep scheeduls and ive come to realize im incredibly utalitarian with how i use my time. i was supposed to bring his parents to the airport today but i got scared and nearly vomiteed on him so i am not doing that thankfully theey are nice people. I'm going to table top tonight which is fun. i'm also having a bit of a crisistime about my work. i fear im limiting myself via what i consider morally okay to write?
i'm not saying i want to go out and draw morally unethical slop for the worst of the worst or anything, but i do feel rather embarassed and ashamed writing anything with a serious undertone or a character with an upsetting backstory. it does make me feel like a pervert freak, even if i'm not getting off to it and the inteent isn't to find pleasure from it. it makes me quite nervous, and i dont like feeling creatively trapped. i dont reeally know what to do, but i'll figure it out.
I spent a significant amount of time last night changing around the layout of my room. It never occured to me that I could open the window in my room, so I did. It was quite humid out. I had a long talk last night with my friend about my emotional perdicament. I need to have a story done by Friday, so I've been going back and forth between what I want to write, since I have a lot of WIPs lined up.
11:18 - 11:19 PMI really, really, really want a drink or a cigarette. Otherwise doing good.
My first class went okay. I was expecting for us to have to work on our scripts in Japanese, but I think my teacher forgot to make us do that. Which I can't complain about, frankly. I also saw another user (one of my followers here-- hi!) include a reccomended book list... I have a lot of things I've read and am reading, so I might host one of those as well. I'd just have to make more navigation links, which I don't mind doing. I plan to camp out in the 24 HR library tonight and work on my Japanese.
5:20 - 5:22 PMI told myself I'd be productive today, and once again I have not been. I've instead been in my apartment basically pacing back and forth for several hours getting nothing done. Once my phone is done charging, though, I am going to go down to my campus I think. There is a very good chance I will not actually go and do this though, so don't bet on it. I've been concepting a character in my head, but I worry I won't get taken seriously. It's very hard for me to write things when I feel like I am not being taken seriously.
5:40 - 5:41 PMI have updated the html and css for this page, since I use it the most. I hope you guys like it. I'm feeling more comfortable bound in 4s rather than 3s, as I do not trust the number 3.
Despite my best efforts not to do anything today, I have been invited out for coffee. I'm going to go, because the person wanted to talk about OCs with me. I'm not particularly fond of him but maybe I could get to know him more. I'm a little interestedstyle but who knows. After that I'm going to mull around draw a bit I think.
I only got out of bed about half an hour ago. I took a shower, and got dressed, and went down to the gas station. I got two drinks, and I think that's probably all I'm going to have to eat today. My boyfriend said he's bringing me down food from his parents place, though. I left the secondary table top group I was in. One of the members kept saying slurs, and it upset me. I had a pretty bad break down last night, but I did not relapse. I've once again become reminded that I don't care about my degree.
I really, really, want to be a funeral director. My mother said she would not help me financially if I did that. So now I'm a linguist, and going into law. I don't actually care that much about either of those things. What I really really want is to work in a funeral parlor. I don't think anything would make me happier. I think maybe being a real man would make me at least a little less sick in my day to day, though. I'm going to see my boyfriend later, which is quite nice.
I'm so glad the week is almost over. It's been incredibly busy. While I predict next week will be the same, I need a little bit of a break. I feel better now that I've gotten some rest, and I am not exhausted. I also am excited to have my wings from last night. The server messed up my order and gave me too many, so now I had extra I can have as lunch/dinner tonight. I'm very thrilled to get home and have them.
8:04 - 8:06 PMJust got back from my club meeting. It was fun. I walked my friend to her car, since she was scared. I shaved my legs as well. It's stupid, but I get very self consious about my leg. I have a big scar that wraps around my leg, and I can't grow hair there. I got it when I was a very little baby. My leg hair is usually very long, and it becomes very obvious that theres a ring. Sometimes I get weird about it and so i shaved.
Skipped my first class today, as it's too damn cold out. I'm sure he'd understand. (My teacher). I will be going to my law class though, as that teacher actually really cares about attendance. I went up and got my laundry to do, as I have a lot of it. Today I'm seeing my boyfriend. Knowing him, he will probably insist that we go get food. Which isn't a bad thing, I just feel a bit sily sometimes about the ordeal. I think before class, I'm going to finish my laundry and then draw some.
12:31 - 12:33 PMMy roommate skipped class today, so I'm paying attention for the both of us. Lunch was a bag of chips and energy drink. I'm pretty okay with that, even if I'm a little hungry. I got my best pants and tie out today, but I still had to wear two coats. It's too cold out, and I want to go lay back in bed in my apartment where it is warm. Tomorrow I have my club meeting, which will be fun. I enjoy my campus club, partially because I'm an officer. I'm sitting in my law class as I type this.
11:05 - 11:06 PMTook the boyfriend home. I feel awful. I thought he was upset at me, but really he was worried about me. I want to cry. In my head the idea that if i was gone, his life would be easier, is stuck. I know it's not true. But it still hurts to think about that it might be.
It is disgustingly cold today. I can barely feel my fingers, and I'm hiding inside the building for my next class. I'm considering not going to my table top club tonight, it's barely in the double digits today. The college next to mine, ten minutes up the road, cancelled. My college did not, despite ice on the roads. I find it insane that none of my classes cancelled, but what do I know. My stomach hurts because I'm hungry but truthfully I'm way too scared to try and venture for food.
10:04 - 10:13 PMIt's been a bad night. I've realized it would make the lives of several people in my life way easier if I killed myself, and that sucks. I don't think I can be swayed from this fact, but it sort of sucks to think about. Dinner tonight is a peach cup and maybe some spoonfuls of ranch, which also sucks. I thought about how it'd probably contribute to lowering my weight a little, which I don't find that bad actually. My boyfriend would be so upset to know this, but he doesn't know this page exists.
He offered to let me come over this weekend and have food at his house, but 1) i'd feel awful mooching off of him 2) my problems should not become his problems 3) his parents are too nice to me, and it makes me so upset. I wish I could give back to them in the ways they do for me, but I can't. I can never make up for it, and it makes me so sad. I'm crying as I type this, actually. I worry if my boyfriend ever found out this website exists, he'd break up with me. I don't think he actually would but it's a concern.
Regardless. I can't stop staring at the sewing scissors in my drawer and thinking about it. I won't do anything (I don't think), but I keep staring at them. I wish I wasn't, but it sucks. i don't want my boyfriend to realize how actually sick i am and leave me for someone much better, and someone who doesn't have consistent breakdowns like i do. I don't think that will happen, but i worry.
I have been dizzyingly busy today. I had my writing and japanese classes today, and law. I felt so bad in my Japanese class because I could barely remember the hiragana, I could barely look the guy next to me in the eyes. He's so smart, it makes me jealous. in my creative writing class, one of my classmates gave a presentation about power rangers. it was incredibly boring, but he was enthusiastic and had audience participation so i can't complain, he made it engaging. i also tried to get through more of the homestuck epilogues.
I find them pretty boring, and i'm not eveen half way through. i want to at leeast say i got it done though. later tonight i plan to VCwith some of my friends. i like my friends in the hospital server a lot. they mean a lot to me. i also went and messaged someone i haven't talked to a little over 2 years. kinda weird to think about. he blocked my ex a while back for justifiable reasons, but i personally have no bad blood with him.
also, i ran into the man again who asked me for 55 cents. i gave him 60. it was cold out, i had to drive to the gas station instead of my usual walk.
I'm waiting outside of my class right now. Now that I've showered, and my hair is soft, I'vee determined the bangs don't actually look bad. They're pretty cute. My friends seem to like them, so I can't complain too much. My Japanese class might get cancelled on Wednesday, so I'm going to pray that it actually does. I think the bangs are a little uneven, but I'm not too worried about that. I also speed-wrote a short essay for my German class so I'm pretty glad I got that done. We had no word limit so mine is pretty short.
My friend James is pretty funny and lying on the phone right now to his doctor. He's a very nice guy, and I enjoy his company. Same with Mako, who is also in my German class. I really hate Harris who sits in front of us. I'm still going back and forth on if I want to pay the money for the domain 'attack secretary'. I think it'd be pretty cool to have my own website, but I don't know if I want to dish out 10 dollars a company that I don't know the ins and outs of. I have my Astronomy lab today but I might cancel.
1:34 - 1:41 PMClass was fine. I gave my presentation about Palais Schamburg and it went fine. Apparently another girl in the class did her presentation over the same band, so I took both of our papers up and presented. It was pretty alright. Harris tried to talk to me about Elon Musk, but I didn't want to so I ignored him. He is an insanely annoying person in ways I cannot begin to explain here. Truly a marvel. I'm seeing the boyfriend later, so I might have more to write about once he goes home. I shifted my lab class to a later date. Because I like him.
10:49 - 10:50 PMI just got my boyfriend home. We went to the record store, and then got food, and after that we went and got some things like papertowels and whatnots because I ran out of everything literally at the same time. Super annoying. and then we took a nap together which was pretty cool. I made a new oc, and I find her very cute. a little upset about my bangs though because i looked in the mirror and realized i cut them exactly like my abusive ex. i loook like him now, and it's wigging me out. i'm avoiding looking at myself in the mirror now.
Woke up with the phrase 'larval reprance' stuck in my head. I know reprance isn't an actual word, but that's what I know was in my head. I have to go to a party today. Truthfully I was really avoiding it, because I don't like the people there. They all annoy me and make me uncomfortable. But it's because i didn't come to the party last week because I wasn't feeling okay. I had to go on a long trip and subsequently was exhausted by the time it rolled around. So now I have to go to today. I'll probably stay only two hours or something and then leave.
It's kind of shitty, but it's what i'll do. I have a lot of stuff (homeworkthings) going on which call to my attention more urgently anyways. I'mListening to Palais Schamburg's self titled album for class. I have mixed feelings on it. Some of it is pretty good, some of it is pretty nonsense.
11:39 - 11:48 PMWhew. A lot happened. I went to the gas station before the party and a guy asked me for 50 cents. I felt pretty bad, because I think he was crying. Right after he left, I found 50 cents in my car. I've been thinking about it all day. I got a card game as well right before I showed up at the party, but my friend got the time wrong so I had to sit in the cold for about twenty minutes. But the party was fine, if pretty unnotable. We watched a movie together, and it was alright. I'm not huge on movies.
That's sort of when I walked home, and talked to my boyfriend more. I couldn't find dinner, so I'm pretty hungry. I had some snacks though. And then I laid in bed for a bit, and called some of my friends. And I also cut my bangs about half an hour ago. I think they look pretty good, they're relatively even, and rest just above my eyebrows. I've been told it's hard to read my emotions, because my eyebrows tend to get covered by my glasses. So now I'm covering them with my bangs too, once they grow out.
The last time I had bangs, I was very little. It's weird to think it was that long ago but it really really has been. I think they look good. I took a shower and now they fluff nicely. My hair was kind of greasy, because i was sweating a lot even though I took a shower right before the party. cutting my hair made me pretty nervous once I got it to about nose length. And I think my boyfriend is worried about me, but he doesn't have to be.
I've made my websitething... i'd been thinking about making a more bloglike website for a while, and i'm debating getting myself a custom domain-- so stay tuned. i keep laughing over the websitething name i've chosen. it comes from a mug my boyfriend has given me a while back---. he makes me very happy, and him and my mother and i had lunch together. it was pretty nerve wracking, as i do not like my mother much. i enjoyed eating food i wasnt paying for, though, so i'm not going to complain about that.
i will try and make a habit of updating daily, if i don't you can beat me. ive been watching videothings about creepy internet stuff. i like those kinds of things because i think the internet is so big that i want to see more of it. im not a very smart person, so i dont find cool things on my own. i think thats my biggest flawthing, is that its hard for me to find things out out on my own. people tell me i'm smart, but i don't think i actually am. i actually think i might have accidentally convinced everyone around me of something that just isn't true.
i want to put up more pictures of jfk. he's sort of the second love of my life. my first love of my life is my boyfriend. he is my everything. my second love of my life is jfk. i dont know why my images of him make me so happy, but i have a collection of images of jfk. i fear sometimes that my boyfriend love of my lifee thinks i love jfk more than him. this isn't true. he will always come first, and jfk comes second. although im not sure id be able to let go of jfk if my boyfriend asked. haha.
8:30 - 8:58 PMlaid in bed for a bit. my skin kind of feels like its buzzing. texted my boyfriend but i think he might be a sleep or busy. i sometimes worry that i'm too sick. that he'll realize i'm really really sick and that he can't do anything to help me. i feel bad every time i break down crying in his arms, because he's holding me and reminding me he loves me. and when he tells me he loves me i cry. i believe him, but it hurts that i believe him. i dont know why, because he's the best thing thats ever happend to me. weird.